Harry Potter and The Muggle Tri-Wizard Tournament
by MartinDC
Summary: Harry was chosen as the fourth Tri-Wizard Champion, and was punished severely for it. Watch as he takes the tasks in a whole new direction and pranks Wizarding Britain. Posted to celebrate April fools day. One-shot, complete.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I am in-fact, not a rich British woman name J.K. Rowling. I am a poor American college student four weeks shy of graduation and looking for a job.

AN: I found this gem tucked away on my old lap top. This is actually the first Fan Fiction I wrote, so be gentle with the reviews, I know it doesn't flow very well. I took a bit of time to polish it up some, and decided to share it with everyone. This one is a one shot only, I won't be adding to it.

AN: There are three movie references in this ficlet, can anyone get them all?

-DCM-

Harry Potter, fourth year student, youngest seeker in a century, sometimes hailed as a hero, sometimes hailed as a pariah, was on the second floor of Hogwarts castle dragging his broken trunk towards the girls' bathroom. Normally Harry looked a bit shabby. His clothes under his uniform were always three to four times too big for him. His glasses were usually in some state of being broken, and his shoes were always full of holes and held together with more duct tape than shoe leather. But tonight he looked even shabbier than ever. His uniform was ripped where his Gryffindor house patch used to be, and his tie was missing. For you see, he had just been kicked out of Gryffindor house. His house mates, led by his two ex-best mates had accused him of being a cheater, and an attention seeking glory hound. When he had gotten back to the common room from the Tri-Wizard Tournament selection (where he was somehow chosen as the fourth champion, against his wishes), they had ambushed him and showed him the parchment they had drawn up complete with most everyone's signature on it.

What made Harry the angriest, was Ron Weasley laughing and holding Harry's Firebolt broom and saying "Thanks for the new broom scar head!" He had seen the twins with his invisibility cloak, and the Marauders Map and he knew those were beyond his reach. He had thought Hermione at least would believe him, but she had simply turned her head away from him saying she had no time for cheaters.

So Harry was walking towards the one place he knew he could be alone. Sure it was dark, and cold and wet, and there was that giant snake carcass there as well, but he knew He wouldn't run into anyone else in the Chamber of Secrets.

When he got to the restroom, he walked up to the broken sink, and whispered _'open'_ and watched as the sink melted down into the floor and a hole opened up. He picked up his trunk and shoved it down the hole, and then climbed in himself. After he had slid down, the sink rose back up out of the floor, and the hole was once again sealed.

-DCM-

It was shortly after the harassed young man made his decent, that two men slowly appeared out from under a disillusionment charm.

"I hope you know what you are doing Albus." The tall man with a long beak nose and greasy hair said to the older man at his side.

"He needs to be taught humility. After a few weeks of being alone, he will come crawling back to his friends begging to be forgiven. He was getting too confident, and was showing signs of independence. This will not do, and needs to be stamped out." Albus said with a confident air.

"And if this back fires?"

"It won't"

-DCM-

Down in the Chamber of Secrets, Harry was sitting on the floor with his knees drawn up, and his head resting on top of them and had his arms wrapped around his legs. The chamber was indeed cold. Cold, wet and dark. The corpse of the basilisk though, didn't smell of decay at all. Harry could only assume that the magic of the snake had kept it from decaying. Harry didn't know how long he sat like that, silently crying to himself. Something he had not let himself do since he was nine years old, and his cousin had stomped on his hand really hard.

After a while, Harry lay down on the cold floor and slipped into an uncomfortable sleep.

Up in the kitchens of Hogwarts, a small little green creature was very sad. His ears were drooping even more than usual, and he had large wet tears running down his normally happy face. Dobby stood to one side of the kitchens near the fire and quietly cried.

"Dobby? What bees the matters?" Winky was sitting by the fire, and was unusually sober for the first time in many weeks.

"Master Harry Potter is full of sadness. Dobby feels it. Dobby wants to help Master Harry, but Dobby doesn't be knowing how..." Dobby trailed off slowly as more tears fell from his large eyes.

"If Winky had a sad master, Winky would go be with him and helps him anyway she could." Tears started forming in Winky's eyes at the thought of her master needing her again.

"Winky is right! Master Harry needs his Dobby!" With a silent pop, Dobby left the kitchen to be with his master.

Winky looked at the spot where Dobby had been for another moment before slowly turning away. "Winky wishes she had a Master to help too..."

Harry woke slowly and was confused for a few minutes at where he was. He wasn't in his dorm, he knew that, but he was laying on something soft, and had a nice warm blanket coving him. His last memories were of letting himself cry and then falling asleep on the floor of the chamber. He slowly sat up, and looked around. He was still in the chamber, but he was laying on a soft, thin mattress, and had a warm down cover over himself. He was also wearing his pajamas. Before he could process anything else there was a soft pop next to his 'bed' and Dobby appeared with a tray loaded with food.

"Master Harry is awake! Master needs to eat his foods, he needs his strength." Dobby put the tray of food down on the bed next to Harry and took the cover off. It was loaded with hash browns, steak and eggs, and several rashers of bacon. The smell was almost too much for Harry, he hadn't realized he was as hungry as he was, until he could smell and then see the food.

"You're the best Dobby, thanks!" Harry started eating. As he started eating he had several questions come to mind. "How did you know I was here and needed food?"

Dobby looked down for a minute and Harry could almost swear he was blushing. After several moments of silence, Dobby finally blurted out "Dobby is a bad elf! Dobby needs to be punished! Dobby knows Master Harry doesn't wants to bond with him, but Dobby does it anyway..." He started crying harder and then threw himself on his knees, and started hitting his head on the floor saying "Bad Dobby, Bad Dobby!"

Harry was shocked at what Dobby had said to him, furthermore, he was horrified at what his little friend was doing to himself for punishment. He threw himself off the bed and grabbed Dobby to stop him from hitting his head on the floor anymore.

"Dobby Stop! Please Stop!" Dobby stopped in mid swing. "Please don't hurt yourself."

"Master Harry doesn't want Dobby to punish himself?"

"No Dobby, never punish yourself. I don't like to see my friends hurt."

"Dobby is Master Harry's friend?!" Tears were forming in Dobby's eyes again.

"Of course you're my friend Dobby." Harry gathered Dobby into his arms and gave him a hug.

"Master Harry is the greatest wizard ever!"

After a few more minutes Harry sat back on the bed, and started eating again. "So you bound yourself to me without me knowing?" Dobby slowly nodded.

"Are yous mads at Dobby Master Harry?"

Harry thought for a moment. "No Dobby, I'm not. In fact, do you know of another elf that is looking for a Master? I have quite a few things I need help with, and could use some help from some people I can trust."

"Winky needs a Master. Does Master Harry want to talk to Winky?"

"Sure. If she is a good house-elf, then I will bind her to me."

Dobby popped away, and was back very quickly with Winky. "This be Winky Master Harry. She is wanting a proper Master to take care of."

"Is that true Winky?" Harry looked at the female elf standing before him.

"Ye...Yes, Winky is wanting a proper Master to look after. Winky not liking being free." She looked at Harry with hope in her eyes. "Does Master Harry want Winky to be his house elf?"

Harry kneeled down in front of the two house elves. "Yes I do Winky." He then reached out and put his hands on both the house elves heads and said "I, Harry James Potter, take Dobby and Winky to be house elves for the house of Potter, and to be my friends and part of the Potter family. So mote it be." As soon as he spoke those words, a white light surrounded both elves for a few seconds, then faded away.

"Wow! Dobby feels strong!" Dobby was bouncing with around with joy.

"Winky also feels stronger!" Winky wore a smile on her face and had tears in her eyes. "Thank you Master Harry!" She then ran to Harry and hugged him around his knees. "Thank you! Thank you, thank you!"

"Okay guys, first things first. Let's set a few rules. First, no punishing yourselves, I don't like to see my friends hurt. Second you both need to wear uniforms, not clothes, uniforms. Something that will make the house of Potter look good. I can't think of anything else right off, but I am sure we will have to have more rules as time goes on. Any questions?"

"What would master like done first?" Winky was all set to get to work. "Do you want the chamber cleaned? The giant snakey cut up for parts, or the small apartment behind the statues made ready for master to stay in?"

"Apartment? Winky nodded. Harry looked at her for a minute, then decided to start with a look at the apartment. "How did you know there was an apartment there Winky?"

"It bees dirty, and it belongs to Master, so Winky knows it is there and needs to be cleaned." She looked at Harry like it was quite obvious.

"Umm, okay." Harry had no choice but to accept her answer. Harry looked around to the side of the statue that was mostly in shadows and found a door that led to the apartment. It wasn't really much of an apartment. It contained a small bed room, small study/library that held perhaps two dozen books, and a kitchenette, and an out of date bathroom.

"How about you start cleaning the rest of the apartment Winky, and Dobby, I want you to update the bathroom so it will be useable. I'm going to go start work on the study. Sound good?" Both elves nodded and got to work.

A few hot, dirty and busy hours later, the apartment was looking almost habitable. Dobby had had Harry sign a letter giving him access to his vault so he could get the necessary supplies to do his work. Harry had also given Winky access to his vault so she could get the materials for their uniforms in the next couple days. Dobby had let Harry know that the goblins wanted him to come by as soon as he could, as they needed to talk to him. He told Dobby to tell them he would be by first thing in the morning, and they had sent him a two-way port key to get to the bank and back.

When Winky heard this, she had stopped what she was doing and popped off saying she had to get some supplies for the kitchen, and some new clothes for Harry. Harry had tried to tell her that he was fine with the clothes he had, but Winky had insisted, saying "Master Harry will not be embarrassing Winky by wearing those clothses." And with that she was gone. Harry just shook his head, and went back to work cleaning.

By the end of the day, Harry and the two elves had the apartment clean, the two elves were wearing smart looking uniforms with the Potter crest sown on their left breast, Dobby had the bathroom done, and Winky had Harry a brand new wardrobe, and also picked up enough food items to begin stocking the kitchen. She would need to do more shopping of the next few days, but had gotten enough supplies to make a very nice grilled chicken dinner.

Harry was reading one of the books from the library. There were several books in there that Harry figured were quite rare and valuable, but for the most part, he hadn't seen anything pertaining to lost magic, or even ground breaking. The potion book he had looked through had some very old potions in it, but it was hard to read, and from what Harry knew from his current potions book, the newer potions were more effective, and easier to brew.

"Thanks for your help today you two. I couldn't have done it without you."

"Master Harry thanks his elves! He is best master ever!" Both elves were beside themselves with happiness.

"Master Harry needs to gets his sleeps. He has big meeting with Gobbies tomorrow." Winky was always the practical one. Harry could tell she was going to mother him something fierce.

"Okay, good night guys." Harry was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

-DCM-

Harry came back from his meeting feeling much better than he had when he had left. The first thing the Goblins had told him was that because he was being forced to participate in a tournament for adults, he was now considered an adult, therefore the Goblins let him take the Potter family ring, and he was Head of the Ancient and Nobel house of Potter. The second thing the Goblins had talked to him about, was the giant basilisk carcass that was still in the chamber. They were very interested in buying as much of it as Harry was willing to sell, and they were paying top Galleon. The parts they were most interested in was the eyes, the meat, and the heart and heart blood. Harry wasn't sure what that was when the Goblin had mentioned that, but it was quickly explained that it was the blood that was in the heart when the beast died. Because it was in the heart, it would be more magically powerful than the other blood.

Harry had made arrangements with the Goblins to have them come and harvest the giant snake later in the day, and then they would have another meeting to work out a price. Harry had done a lot of thinking about what he wanted, especially considering he still had to participate in this stupid tournament. Harry grinned as he reviewed several of his more vicious ideas. Speaking of which...

"Dobby" Harry called out.

"Yes Master Harry Potter sir!"

"I need you to retrieve a few items that were stolen from me. Mainly my Firebolt, my invisibility cloak, and the marauders map. Can you get the back for me?"

"You bet Master Harry Potter sir!"

"Before you get the Firebolt, there is something else I need you to do first..." Harry then gave Dobby his instructions. The more Harry told Dobby, the larger the little elf grinned.

-DCM-

Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan were down on the Quidditch pitch late that evening. Ron had wanted to skip classes to try out his new broom, but Hermione had been insistent they wait until after dinner.

"I want a turn tonight too Ronald, so no hogging Harry's broom!" Ginny was saying to Ron.

"It's not Harry's broom anymore, it's mine. If he wants back into Gryffindor, he'll have to give it to me forever." Ron was having visions of being unstoppable as the keeper on the Gryffindor team on 'his' new broom. He threw his leg over the broom, and with a yell, pushed off the ground as hard as he could. When he got 25 feet up in the air, the broom suddenly exploded sending Ron falling to the ground with a loud umph.

-DCM-

Dobby was bouncing with excitement when Harry saw him that evening.

"What is it Dobby?"

"Master Harry's plan to punish the bad weesie worked. He is now being in the Hospitals with two broken legs, a broken arm, and his, um...well..."

"What is it Dobby?"

"He will be not be able to be having any kidses...he no longer has the parts..." Dobby smiled sheepishly.

Harry laughed at the punishment dealt out to his ex-friend. He had had Dobby curse one of the school brooms, and then charm it to look like his Firebolt. Dobby had then replaced the cursed broom for Harry's broom, and after he had replaced the map with an old piece of parchment, and the cloak with a cloak that had mostly lost its invisibility power from the Room of Requirement, had returned to Harry with the originals.

-DCM-

Fred and George were currently under the cloak they thought was the invisibility cloak waiting in the girls' shower of the Ravenclaw locker room. In one hand they had a camera, and the other they had the map. It wasn't until a furious Professor Flitwick came walking in that they knew something was very wrong.

-DCM-

It was the morning of the first task. Harry hadn't been seen around the school at all, and have even missed the weighing of the wands. The Daily Profit had written a scathing article about attention seeking brats making a mockery of a vaunted wizard tradition, but it hadn't effected Harry at all. He had quit reading the paper weeks ago.

"Are you ready Master Harry?" Winky stood by the door to the study looking worried.

"Very ready. The Goblins really came through. They told me what all the tasks are going to be, and we came up with a plan for each task. They were able to get me the equipment I need for each as well. A little pricy with all the charms placed on them, but considering the plan, well worth it." Harry had a bit grin on his face.

"Do you and Dobby have what you need, and know what to do?"

"Four tons of dragons dungses. Yes we knows what to do." Winky herself had an evil little grin on her face. "They will pay for trying to hurt my Master"

"Master? I have something for yous." She held out a small package to Harry.

Harry took it and with a puzzled look opened it up. Inside was a vest and pants made from basilisk hide. Also included was a long robe with a hood also made from basilisk hide. It had several deep pockets that had expanding charms on them.

"To portects you Master Harry."

"Thank you Winky, I love them!" Harry smiled at the elf and gave her a warm hug.

-DCM-

Harry sat in the champion's tent waiting while Victor Krum fought his dragon. Dumbledore had approached him and tried to get him to tell him where he had been for the last few weeks, but Harry had ignored him. Snape had tried to start in on Harry calling him arrogant, and trying to take points and give Harry two months of detention, but Harry had simply turned away and ignored them both.

"We will speak of this after the task Mr. Potter" with that Dumbledore turned and walked out of the tent.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Next up is Mr. Harry Potter!" The crowd didn't seem to be very enthusiastic in their applause, but Harry didn't really care. He walked into the arena to near silence. As soon as he heard the cannon shot from Ludo Bagman's wand, he turned and muttered a quiet _'accio Harry's fun bag' he_ waited a moment and then caught his black bag when it flew to him.

"Try not to die POTTY!" Harry heard Malfoy yell in the silence.

Harry ignored the jibe and unzipped the bag. He then looked at the Hungarian Horn Tail dragon that was staring at him from across the arena. He cast a _'sonorus'_ on himself and turned to the crowd.

"FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT" He then canceled his spell and pulled a large round tube from his bag that was about four feet long.

-DCM-

Up in the stands everyone was confused. What was Potter doing? What was with the long tube? It wasn't until Seamus Finnegan cursed and ducked down did people start to get worried.

-DCM-

Harry walked closer to the dragon and aimed his modified rocket-launcher directly at the dragons' mouth and pulled the trigger. Instead of a single shot, this rocket-launcher contained 30 concussion rockets. Each guaranteed to pierce even the tough hide of any dragon. The launcher would shoot a rocket every two seconds until the rockets were spent, or Harry took his finger off the trigger.

The first rocket shot forward and right as the dragon opened its mouth to shot flames at the offending little human, flew into its mouth and down its throat. About three feet past its head and down its throat it exploded completely decapitating the dragon. But Harry didn't let off the trigger. Rocket after rocket shot out of the launcher and impacted the dragon along it's body, causing bits and pieces of the bone, meat, blood and dragon offal to fly into the air covering much of the crowd that was watching the spectacle. After the third explosion piles of dragon dung started appearing on top of the dragon, and it too was launched out of the arena and started covering the screaming crowd.

After 10 rockets had launched from the launcher, Harry finally took his finger off the trigger. He pointed the rocket launcher up in the air and recast a _'sonorus'_ on his voice.

"Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?" He then looked right at Dumbledore and spit on the ground. He canceled his _sonorus_ and pointed his rocket launcher at the nest of dragon eggs. The crowd screamed as he shot another rocket at the nest, and then had to cover their ears as the rocket caused the golden egg to explode, releasing the charm inside, and causing a very loud screeching to fill the air.

Harry took the opportunity caused by the confusion of the egg exploding to quickly exit the arena.

"Let's get some sleep Dobby." With that Harry disappeared.

-DCM-

"Will the brat even show?" Snape was in a bad mood. It was cold, and he was standing guard to try and catch Harry and put a tracking charm on him.

"He'll show." Dumbledore was confident that by now Harry would have gotten lonely enough that he would be willing to repent of his mistakes and fall into line. "After he rescues the Weasley boy from the lake, he will realize how much Mr. Weasley means to him and apologize."

"And drop the law-suit over the broken Firebolt, the missing invisibility cloak and the other heirloom that seems to have been ruined by those damned twins?"

"Of course."

Dumbledore wouldn't admit it, but he was just a bit scared of the law suit. It had arrived from the goblins in mid-January, and it gave the Weasley Family until the end of February to return the items in pristine condition or face a multi-million galleon fine. Molly had been beyond furious. Both at Harry for filing the suit, and at the twins and Ron for taking the items and breaking them. When it had come out that it was Dumbledore's idea, she had been apocalyptic. The law suit on top of Ron being in the hospital for two months, and the twins having been suspended for six weeks was just too much for Molly Weasley to handle. She had let him know, in no uncertain terms, that if the Weasley's had to pay the fine, it would be coming out of Dumbledore's vault.

-DCM-

Harry waited until he heard the cannon shot from Bagman's wand to fly out over the lake on his new Nimbus LightningBolt broom. It was sleeker and faster than his Firebolt that he had hidden down in the chamber. He had thought about riding it today to just to thumb his nose at Dumbledore, but decided he liked the idea of making him and the Weasleys sweat a bit longer.

When he neared the center of the lake, he took a small metal object out of his pocket and threw as far as he could in front of him. About 20 seconds later there was a loud whump from under the water and huge geyser of water shot up in the air from where the object Harry had thrown had landed in the lake.

Harry then took out long round cylinder, and tapped it with his wand and dropped it directly below where he sat.

About five minutes later the head of a merman poked out of the water and handed Harry a rope. Harry pulled on the rope as the merman swam quickly away. When Ron's head came out of the water Harry cast a feather-light spell on him and turned his broom around and started flying towards the docks. Ron was drug through the water all the way there. He tried to yell at Harry to pull him up, but every time he opened his mouth, it filled up with water.

When Harry got close to the docks, he rose 10 feet in the air so that Ron was now out of the water. He once again cast a _'sonorus'_ on himself and spoke. "Is this what I would miss the most? This jealous, pathetic bigot? I think not." And he dropped Ron back in the water and flew off at high speed, leaving a gapping crowd and a sputtering Ron behind.

-DCM-

"He is not to get away! After the task, I want everyone to converge on him and detain him until we can get him somewhere safe and help him see the error of his ways." Dumbledore puffed up his chest importantly. "Yes he most definitely needs to be detained...for the greater good."

Remus rolled his eyes. _'What a moron, good thing Harry and Sirius clued me into the plan' He_ thought to himself.

Just then Harry walked up to the group. Everyone turned and looked at him and started demanding that he answer their questions. Harry simply ignored them all and walked up to Professor McGonagall and handed her a letter.

"What is this Mr. Potter?"

Harry ignored her and walked away towards the entrance of the maze. She tore open the letter and cursed under her breath.

"What is it Minerva?" Dumbledore was curious.

"Lord Potter has withdrawn from Hogwarts, citing incompetence, favoritism, and harassment."

There was a round of exclamations from the group.

"Incompetence?"

"Harassment?"

"Lord Potter?!" This brought everyone one up short.

"Yes, Lord Potter. The letter even has the Potter seal on it."

There was a stunned silence.

"Well, I guess that plan backfired on you Albus." Snape sneered and shook his head. "Very Slytherin of him."

-DCM-

Harry had his feet up and was reading a book on enchanting while eating some chips. He had been in the chair he was sitting in now for almost six hours. He had walked through most of the traps pretty easily, and had gotten to the center of the maze pretty easily. Bogarts aren't much of a match for hand-grenades, neither were blast-end skrewts. When he had reached the sphinx she had started her spiel about a riddle, but Harry had merely looked at her, and said "I have a riddle for you." The sphinx had looked put out at the interruption. "Who am I going to kill at the count of three if she doesn't get out of my way? One...two..." The sphinx had taken the hint and moved very quickly to the side and let Harry pass unharmed.

Harry had pulled out a comfortable chair to sit on and waited. Krum had been eliminated for casting a _'crucio'_ on Fluer, who also had to be removed from the maze. Cedric had had a nasty run in with an acromantula and couldn't carry on either.

So Harry sat in his chair and ate, read a few books, and even took a nap, content to make the world wait for his pleasure. He wasn't paying much attention to the cup, so he was taken by surprise when it sailed over to him and struck him in the side of the head. His world went black as he felt the pull of a portkey behind his navel.

-DCM-

"Robe me" a very sibilant voice commanded. Harry woke to find himself tied to a headstone, with a nasty cut on his arm.

'Okay, plan B' Harry thought to himself while he waited to Moldyshorts to finish his evil monolog to his minions.

"Oh come on Tom, I'm getting bored...bla bla bla I am evil, bla bla bla, a baby kicked my arse..."

Voldemort looked very angry at the interruption. He had worked hard at his little speech while he was a wraith, and the Potter boy had ruined it!

"Cut him loose, and give him his wand. We shall see who the stronger wizard is now."

Peter cut him loose, but then stopped and looked worried.

"Give him his wand Wormtail!"

"Ma...ma..master, he didn't have a wand when he got here." Peter cringed and waited to be punished. To his surprise, it never came. Lord Voldemort was too astonished.

"Didn't have a wand?!" He looked at Harry, who was now standing, in surprise.

"Well then, I guess I will just have to kill you while you are unarmed." His eyes shown with an evil gleam. He started to aim his wand at Harry only to stop when he saw that Harry had a long round tube held in his hands. The tube looked to be made of several smaller tubes set in a circular pattern. These tubes were currently held just off to the side so they weren't pointed at Voldemort, but they started spinning and Harry brought them to bare on him.

"Silly wizard, brought a wand to a gun fight. SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" With that Harry's 50 cal. Gatling gun opened fire on Lord Moldyshorts easily cutting him in half in a spray of blood and guts. But Harry didn't stop there. He kept the trigger pulled and swung the barrel around and started cutting down the rest of the death eaters. There were shouts of surprise and one even managed to get a spell off at Harry, but it went wide. Several were able to get shields up, but the collapsed quickly under the onslaught of the large rounds hitting them at 200 rounds per second.

It only took a minute for Harry to run out of the 20,000 rounds his gun held, but he was pretty sure that was plenty of time to deal with anyone in the graveyard, and let the gun shrink back down to travel size and put it into one of the pockets in his coat. He noticed a rather large snake slithering quickly away towards a creepy mansion off in the distance. _'Not my problem…'_ Harry thought to himself.

He looked around with a small satisfied smile and walked over to where the cup had fallen. He quickly put on his invisibility cloak and then picked it up and once again felt a tug behind his navel. When he landed back at the stadium it was too pandemonium. Nobody seemed to notice that he had returned so he simply let the cup fall onto the ground and started walking towards the front gates never to be seen in England again.


End file.
